As somebody that over the course of about four years played two years of World Of Warcraft nonconsecutively, I always ended up leaving because I felt something in the game was missing.

This wasn’t it. In fact, if I played now, this would make me find where the essence of World Of Warcraft is on the planet, and run as far away from it as humanly possible.

Blizzard announced on its WoW message boards recently its relationship with the RealID service, effectively forcing players to share personal information on the board that anybody with two brain cells to rub together wouldn’t want to.

The partnership with RealID, designed to let players interact across multiple servers and even games, is to be polite a very questionable decision. World Of Warcraft appears to not be satisfied with a mere account hacking problem, their goal is full blown identity theft.

Of course, that isn’t their intention, but this inclusion is begging for trouble. The online gaming community is well known for developing minds taking games too serious, crazed lunatics focusing their entire lives around said games, and videos on YouTube documenting players angrily screaming death threats at one another because something didn’t go their way. Even recently, a Team Fortress 2 player spent six months planning out and executing the murder of a rival player. This was done WITHOUT a service that makes players real names common knowledge.

What about freely sharing personal information to online gaming communities (or any online community, for that matter) sounds like a good idea to Blizzard? Even further, what about this sounds like anything beyond one of the most careless mistakes they have ever made?

Have you ever played a game that makes you feel like a moron?

I’ve had several, but none like my newest exploratory failure, Dwarf Fortress. I made the brilliant decision to volunteer on a message board to take part in a succession game of this, people taking turns playing out a year of a game, saving it, and sending it off to the next user.

I have absolutely no clue what I am doing. When I first loaded this game, I proceeded to stare at the screen for ten minutes like it just blew its nose all over me. As other members of the game speak of their exploits destroying legendary monsters, capturing elephants, and getting their dwarves thoroughly inebriated, I stare.

I stare and stare. Please be careful volunteering to take part in collective gaming efforts, or you’ll be like me watching the days tick away as you struggle to wrap your head around something that is quite clearly above you.

It’s About Damn Time

The recent news of Microsoft’s new Xbox 360 stirs up some old memories…

Last weekend, a yearly event was held in the City of Coughing Angels. In the land of L.A., gamers from all around either flocked to the video game Mecca that is E3, or drooled over every second of media coverage they could get their cheeto-stained fingers on. Microsoft went balls-to-the-wall, announcing among many exciting things, their new Xbox 360, proclaiming the wonders of their majestic new machine. The audience ooh-ed and awed over an incredible, sleek new design that would make Darth Vader smile. But what matters is what’s under the hood.

The new 360 features extra USB inputs, a “smoother, quieter” experience (possibly due to the fact that the main processor and the graphics hardware have been integrated on the same processing unit), a refreshing 250 gig HD, but most advertised of all is a fast built-in wi-fi.

The conference was happy to hear of the immediate availability of the console. And just as things were wrapping up, the entire audience concurrently nerdgasmed at the announcement that everyone present was to get the new 360 shipped to them for free. So the conference ended with everyone sufficiently sated and conversing over the sweetness of Microsoft’s charity and over-all bad-assness at recognizing the price on their souls.

I was not present. I heard the news, and was, first, jealous of everyone there. This would be a wonderful device to have given to you. But will I purchase one? Not for a while. I am among the unlucky gamers out there who purchased an Xbox 360 Elite within the last 6 months. That and the game-fund expense performed a dynamic duo of pain infliction upon my income. The salt-on-the-wounds was the fact that this was my second xbox, my previous one suffering the fate of the red rings.

My limbo in between 360’s was a time of angst and much cursing which allowed me to properly understand firsthand the extreme lameness on the part of Microsoft. With a 56% failure rate, any other product in any other market on any other planet would burn in the flames of consumer rage, yet in spite of this embarrassing statistic, Microsoft plowed on. Perhaps this plague of death would have exterminated microsoft’s position entirely, but ultimately, the developers out there saved the company with the release of awesome games, namely equipping the crippled giant with the crutches of Halo 3 and Gears of War to lean upon.

Adversely, Sony put out a machine with jaw-dropping capabilities that had us Xbox owners quietly seething, claiming that we didn’t even care about dumb-old blu-ray.

Now we officially know that Microsoft has been putting a lot of time and effort in the design and engineering of a new, updated console for a while, perhaps thinking arrogantly that the red-rings was barely a memory in anyone’s mind anymore. The news seems to have sufficiently distracted everyone, the reception being one of pure excitement and giddy joy.

The fact is, this new 360 is old technology, and is an example of what Microsoft should have released years ago. The technology was quite available. After all, Sony did it. This new version really serves to point out the screaming flaws of the original. And it still doesn’t do Blu-ray!

Maybe I’m just bitter about the fact that, years ago, I wasted hard-earned dough on a time-bomb bearing Microsoft’s stamp of approval. Add to that the even more desperate scraping of funds I experienced to purchase the Elite, and the eighty-freakin’-bucks I had to drop on an antenna. Sure, I’m bitter, but what’s true is true.

So, when I heard these sweet new specs and saw those sexy screen shots, I didn’t declare its awesomeness. All I could say in the midst of all that hype was, “its about damn time”. However, I have to admit that Microsoft now has a solid console to rival the others, especially with the upcoming Kinect and string of epic titles set for release in the near future. I’m excited about the future of the 360, but still quite annoyed. Perhaps the largest contributor to my negative connotations is the fact that I will almost certainly be purchasing one…

Bottom line: the new Xbox 360 is a slick piece of hardware, no doubt, but the previous one was insufficient from the beginning. In the end, I guess, what’s done is done, and though Microsoft has had a shaky past, the future of the 360 certainly looks bright.

KINECT KONFUSION

Firstliest of all, yes. That is the intended spelling for the device. And stop calling it the “KINE-ect”, for though that may be phonetically correct, it is improper. “KIN-ect” is its God-given name.

Second, it is very different from the PS Eyetoy. The eyetoy lacks the ability to capture an image in 3D on its own. That’s why the PS Move is so highly exalted. The move controllers are capped with a pair of balls, which the camera uses for relative depth tracking.

Third, no, not all games will be compatible with it. There has been speculation on whether or not previously released games will be able to utilize kinect, and all we can say with certainty is that it’s unlikely. Originally, the kinect was intended to contain its own hardware for processing, but was whittled down to the basic camera and magic elves system. Because of this, the processing will be done by the stand alone console, resulting in a 10-15% usage of the Xbox 360’s recourses. Any patching worthy of your time would likely require a sizeable investment on the part of developers.

Fourthedly, and pay attention folks because this has been the question asked most to me (and the inspiration behind this little well-spring of kinect info for the sustenance of the googling-impaired):

“Hey, hippie-kid, what does it mean when they say the new Xbox 360 is ‘kinect ready’? Will my original Xbox 360 work with it? Also, why aren’t you wearing any clothes?”

Every Xbox 360 owner will find their consoles as compatible with kinect as peanut-butter is to the jellies. You see, the new Xbox 360 contains an extra port which powers the kinect device. Any of us dinosaurs still learning about fire and playing with yesterday’s Xbox 360 will need an extra outlet open so we can power our Kinect the old-fashioned way. Will this mean buying a $60 power cord for the Kinect? An extremely valid and very justified question, especially when taking into account Microsoft’s previous penny-grabbing schemes, but reports tell us that a power cord will be included.

Fifth or sixth, rumor has it that the Kinect has the ability to shrink players a few inches every session. Is there any truth in these claims? The short and very obvious answer is YES. Yes it does.

I remember how happy I was when my girlfriend surprised me and brought home a SNES out of nowhere. I remember how happy I was when I grabbed a copy of Super Mario World off eBay for five bucks. I remember making it to Lemmy’s Castle and spending the next hour of my life using four letter words like they were commas.

Funny thing about retro gaming, you forget about the parts of games that used to fill you with murderous rage. That guy above is a Magikoopa, which is Super Mario World lingo for “the most absurdly irritating enemy to exist in video games in the early 90′s”. He’s one of those little rage inducers that I forgot about. Seriously, screw this guy. This guy… THIS GUY…

You run forward, you die. You drop down, you die. You jump, you die. You die, you die, you die, you die. Thank God for that secret area with 1UP mushrooms before this castle, because Magikoopa is an absolute friggin nightmare.

This two legged screwjob will knock the floor out from under you, blow up the jumping point in front of you, and spawn on your head within 20 seconds. If you kill him, he doesn’t care. He just comes back because he said so. By the time you actually get past this little piece of.. erhm… this enemy, you’ll likely screw up the easy boss fight ahead of you, so drained and knowing if you mess up, you have to deal with him again.

I wish Magikoopa was real so that I could punch him. I wish I could find the person that created Magikoopa so that I could use him as a bat to beat the snot out of whoever was responsible for those rotating pillars in hell in the first God Of War. Or the other way around. One of those two people should be flogged with the other one.

Don’t get me wrong, Super Mario World is a phenomenal game, and I did eventually get past this punk, but my goodness did it take longer than it should. Thank God that’s over though, now I can relax and enjoy some other SNES titles that aren’t nearly as difficult. What’s this red cartridge over here… Spiderman : Maximum Carnage……

That’s a picture of Method Man heading back to his dresser after the show, high out of his mind. And who is that behind him? Redman, you say? No, not even close. That’s Rasheed Wallace from the Celtics.  His teammates were across the street at the Staple Center practicing basketball. And why were they practicing, you ask? Because while Mr. Rasheed was enjoying day 2 of E3, Game 7 of the NBA Finals was one day away. Would Rasheed’s lack of work ethic impact both him and me? Only time would tell.

On the third and last day of E3 I decided that I wanted to try the coolest thing there… but I had already tried the Nintendo 3DS. So instead I decided to try the Xbox Kinect.  The Kinect was the latest innovation from Microsoft where, thanks to a motion capture system, the player is the controller. Or so I had been told. But it was time to see for myself, which meant dealing with my worst foe. The dreaded long line.

It seemed like hours before I made it to the front of the line.

Only to discover that the front of the line only led to a tunnel of more lines! Dammit!

This is where I gave up and sat down in the middle of the line. Irresponsible? Maybe. Taboo? Possibly. Reckless? Probably. But hey, this is who I am. Don’t try to change me.

Finally I got to play the damn thing.  I wasn’t given time to get a picture of myself playing it, so here’s a picture of someone else playing it. It’s not a very good picture, but that guy in front of me looks like he got a good picture. Good for him.

As far as my assessment of the Kinect? It’s aight. Very gimmicky, gets old quick, won’t be successful in the long term. But should make for some fun drinking games.

After my long journey into Microsoft’s abyss I realized I didn’t have very much time left at E3. I wanted to go out with a bang, but I didn’t have the stomach for another line. So I did the only logical thing, I got my picture taken with the E3 babes:

So now if anyone asks you if Randy has ever had his picture taken with babes you can say yes, and it was sweet. (Side note, I’m not naming names, but one of these girls totally grabbed my butt during the picture. Now, I’m not saying she’s in love with me, but… things are complicated.)

And so, with that grand bow out, I was ready to call it a day and return to my boring life. I, along with many other nerds, left the convention center and headed for the nearest subway entrance. But then, after walking less than a city block, I found myself in the middle of a tornado.  A tornado painted purple and gold.

Snake sure love's his RPGs

Metal Gear Solid Peace Walker Review

I’m just going to start this thing by spelling it out: This game is up there with MGS3 and MGS1 as the best in the series, yeah, that’s right, those are the best in the series, you heard it here first, anybody who says otherwise is just plain wrong.

This game which truly feels like it could be called MGS5, although I would still expect the “Peace Walker” subtitle which is second only to the aptly named “Snake Eater”. I don’t know if that sounded less… ahem, well you know… in Japanese or what but God Damn Kojima! Anyway, the weird name is like evidence that this game is in fact a true part of the series, which is known for its weirdness.

This game is like if MGS Portable Ops and MGS4 had a love-child. I know neither of those made it on my list of “best in the series” but just like a child prodigy which makes his parents look like morons, this game soars above and beyond its pedigree. Portable Ops was a good game, but the normal-ish name said it all, it wasn’t really part of the main Metal Gear Solid narrative.

My biggest disappointment with MGSPO was that it felt extraneous, nothing story wise is really that important about it, except maybe introducing Col. Campbell as a Kevin Bacon look-alike in his younger days as a complete wuss-and-a-half. “waaaah I have a broken leg so all I can do is drive the truck, poor me boo-hoo!” Suck it up man! Oh and some nonsense about “Fox Unit” which turns into Foxhound at the end of the game… that blew your mind right? Right? No but Seriously Kojima, only you think that stuff is earth-shattering we really needed more than that to feel like it connected. Basically the game felt like: “hey, enjoy your favorite series on the go!” However, rest assured that this game, along with its series appropriate weird-ass moniker, is a true MGS game.

In terms of story though, this game is a lot easier for player who are unfamiliar with MGS to pick than PO was, or really any game other than MGS3 or MGS1. So, if you never played the series but want a great PSP game, don’t worry anything you needed to know about the events of MGS3 are tactfully summarized. I can hear you saying: “wait, jigga-what? All I need to know about MGS3, what about 1 and 2 and PO?” Well, you see Metal Gear Solid 1 takes place after Metal Gear 2 and is followed by Metal Gear Solid 2, Metal Gear Solid 3 take place before all the games, followed by Metal Gear Solid Portable Ops, the most recent game Metal Gear Solid 4 takes place after MGS2, and THIS game takes place after 3 (and PO) but before Metal Gear 1. Make’s perfect sense right? No!? Ok numb-nuts, suffice it to say you can play this game with no prior MGS experience, but it is a major spoiler-fest for MGS3 which I have already stated is one of the best in the series, but I can’t really force you to play it, you can lead a horse to water…

Speaking of filling in the story for new-comers*cough-philistines-cough*, the story cut-scenes are great! They are the same comic-book style as PO but the character designs are more similar to the in-game character’s this time and less Kevin Bacon-y, and they have added QTE and other interactivity that actually looks great as it’s done in the same style ( there’s nothing worse than tacky looking button icons in QTE) and really works well too. It’s kind of amazing to experience and took me by surprise. All in all the comic-scenes are a lot more fluid this time around, the characters really move properly, none of this disjointed marionette-looking arm movement or slow zoom-in on a still image which was abundant in PO and a poor excuse for “cinematic”. There are also other types of in-game cut scenes too to help tie the story together better then in PO where it abruptly went from in-game to comic-book.

They took a lot of the game elements of MGSPO and really expanded them like they did with the cut scenes, now you have a real base that you build up, where you do a lot of the stuff you did in PO in terms of recruiting people and assigning them tasks, but the whole affair is just more carefully crafted then before and much less confusing. You can assign what you want your tech people to make instead of it being a weird surprise. And recruiting soldiers in game is so much better than before! Now you just tie a balloon-thing to them and a helicopter comes out of nowhere to pull them out of there, even if they are inside a building. What? Is that weird or something? Pshaw.

In terms of game play it also plays a lot like MGS4, there are other control schemes (including a Monster Hunter style one, how cute) I tried them and decided to stick with default, with a couple tweaks I highly suggest such as lowering the sensitivity on the camera, and setting first person to be in relation to character direction not camera direction. Once I did this I could not believe how fluid the games controls were, not even just by the incredibly low PSP standards but by MGS standards.

They are actually some of the most fluid controls for an MGS game with the exception of MGS4, but more fluid then all the others; seriously. Anyone who has ever played an MGS game before knows just what the term “intuitive controls” doesn’t mean. The games have always made up for their cumbersome nature in the depth of variety of actions hiding just beneath the surface; what other game allows you to frisk your enemies and then choke them out (well besides that rape-play game that came out in Japan, was that in bad taste?)

Basically this game is even more then it promised to be for long time fans, and even new-comers can enjoy it too! A lot of the staples from MGS games of the past are here. I hesitate to say anymore for fear of ruining the surprise for you but suffice it to say: this game has a glut of novelties which we have come to love about the MGS series. And sexual innuendo? Don’t worry, plenty of that, the cardboard box is now called the “love box” because more than one person can use it at a time.

For PSP owners there’s not much of a good reason NOT to own this game unless the whole stealth action thing, isn’t in fact your thing or you hate fun. But anyone intrigued by the idea of recruiting a legion of loyal soldiers while sneaking through fortified army bases armed with a huge arsenal of weaponry or if you have ever enjoyed a MGS game (ever) and you are dying for a UMD to get your PSP running again. This is the game! It almost feels like it was made as a personal favor to PSP owners because let’s face it, sometimes we get the shaft. NOT this time!

This is Brett Alan Miller, giving “Peace Walker” 5 Kevin Bacon look-alikes out of 5!

One of the really cool things about the showroom floor was that you never knew what you might run into. For example, that floating thing in the middle of this picture is a flying helicopter that is controlled by an iPhone. Pretty sweet.

There was also a Mexican Wrestling match at some point, which was also controlled by an iPhone. Just kidding, but that would be pretty sweet too.

This man is showing off one of the newest 3D Televisions. Unfortunately you need special glasses to see the 3D, so I guess you’re out of luck…

Oh shit! Looks like I took a picture of the TV behind the glasses so we could both share in the magic! Isn’t it gorgeous?  It sure is.

Believe it or not, Method Man and Red Man dropped by to do a performance for the game Def Jam Rapstar.  They asked the crowd to raise their hands if they loved to smoke the cheebacheeba. You gotta love it when nerds lie.

This is me playing a game. I don’t actually have many pictures of me doing this, so I included this one. The game is about a sack of meat that must dodge razorblades and blenders. Incidentally, there was no line for this game.  But I enjoyed it very much.

One of the big exhibits at E3 was the introduction of the Sony’s Move controller.  There were high hopes, but I only found it to be so-so. While it was not as useless as my picture above (note the complete absence of the actual controller), it’s not exactly revolutionary either.  It’s pretty much an upgrade of the Wii controller.

What is REVOLUTIONARY however, is the Nintendo 3DS. It’s the newest addition of the portable DS system and it’s in 3D. What’s more, no glasses are required! I played this thing and it honestly blew my mind. However, Nintendo was prepared to castrate anyone who attempted to take a picture of its new groundbreaking hardware. So instead I’ve included a picture of me with a Naughty Bear. Enjoy.

In a way, this is just as groundbreaking as the 3DS. It’s also almost as cool as this…

Which is not quite is cool as this…

Which in a million years will never be anywhere as close as…

Check back tomorrow for the thrilling (and I mean that literally) conclusion.

When I started playing video games I was just a wee lad, no bigger than the boy racing next to me in the picture above (totally destroyed him, by the way). Anyways, the reason I included this picture as my headliner as opposed to say one with Microsoft’s Kinect, or Sony’s Move, is because I feel this picture captures the true power of video gaming. The power to lose yourself to an alternate reality where anything is possible.  Actually, that’s a lie. I just think the image of a grown man riding on something made for a kid is just hilarious. Comedy genius, really.

But enough blather, it’s time to show you the goods. And man, do I got some goods. This isn’t just an ordinary E3 post. Oh no. For starters it’s about a week late. And for another thing, most of the article focuses on me as opposed to, say, the actual games and hardware. Also, I was almost killed. And I fell in love many times.  So enjoy the show (the slide show that is. Boom!)

Here is where it all happens: Every pixilated headshot, every virtual back flip, every   revolution of dance, dance, it all takes place in this oddly-shaped convention center. Also, notice the Staple Center sign to the right, is it a forewarning of events to come? Who knows? Maybe me. But not you. You know nothing.

I waited with these fine gentlemen for a good forty-five minutes for the doors to open. In a way, this was the best part of E3. In a much realer way it was the worst.

This Star Wars exhibit was the first thing to grab my attention. Above the storm troopers a trailer for an upcoming SW game played on an endless loop. Looked cool, but if you think about it, that’s exactly what the game developers want you to think. Also you could actually take your picture with the Storm Troopers if you wanted to, but I didn’t because I couldn’t imagine something that was a bigger waste of time.

Ok, so I gave in and got my picture with the storm trooper. But I felt foolish for it and pledged not to waste any more precious time on such juvenile endeavors.

Ok fine, I did it again. I’m sorry, but if I see a motorcycle and a sweet leather jacket, I’m gonna do what I gotta do. By the way, that football I’m holding is strapped with dynamite, so I can blow up zombies. Yeah, I know.

But as I was reliving my glory days, others were getting to play some of the best state-of-the-art games this planet had to offer.

Yeah, that last picture is of the newest game in the Twisted Metal series. (A series that pretty much raised me as a child.) For those of you who don’t know, or are blind, you’re  a car in the game and your goal is to destroy other cars with missiles and shit. For those that do remember the game, you know Mr. Grimm, the motorcycle rider? Well now he has a chainsaw.  And he when he does a pop-a-wheelie he can hold the chainsaw against the ground so it catches on fire, then he hurls it at his enemies. I get teary-eyed just thinking about it.

Naturally, there was nothing more I wanted than to play all these games to my heart’s content.  There was only one problem.

The. God. Damn. Lines.  Don’t get me wrong I love anticipation as much as the next guy, but sweet Jesus I’ve never seen lines move so slowly in my whole life.

Even worse than the lines were the games where the players had no time limit. I literally spent forty minutes staring at this bastard’s balding head, until I finally gave up and headed to the bathroom. Wherever this guy is right now, I hope he’s suffering a lot.

To be continued…

Every now and then, a browser game breaks through the mediocrity around it and stands out as something well worth your time. Transformice is one such title, merely looking at its home page will cause it to grab you by the hand and drag you into the mire of insanity in which it resides.

Transformice is a multiplayer game of up to 25 players at a time, a cap that nearly every game reaches. The concept can be summarized as succinctly as “you are a mouse, get the cheese and bring it back”. However, leaving the description at that would be like saying a car moves because somebody pushes down on a pedal.

Every level has different gimmicks. Think “Cat Mario” or “I Wanna Be The Guy”. Though Transformice is not nearly as sadistic as either, the same concept is in place, with random pitfalls and obstacles out of nowhere that make your quest for cheese end catastrophically at the drop of a hat.

25 people all competing on one of these small maps is an absolute clusterf….. mess. This mess is part of the charm though, as the game is a frenzied mess of players trampling one another to achieve their goal.

On top of this mess, one (sometimes two) players are randomly selected every map or two to play as the “shaman”. I will let YouTube’s EvilDaedalus provide you with a one sentence description of what the shaman does.

“Should you **** up, it’s okay. The shaman will pretend to help you.”

Shamans have a list of items they can summon to build contraptions such as elevators, bridges, and the like. They also have items like cannonballs and anvils that send players hurdling towards their goal when used.

As you can imagine, it being the internet, not every shaman uses these powers for good. Some use them to build ridiculously elaborate killing machines, or simply to pull the rug out from under you on the way to your destination. Shamans provide entertainment during downtime should you fall to your doom early in a map, as you can watch them boot helpless players thousands of feet into the air for their own amusement.

Transformice is difficult to explain (as I think I’ve demonstrated flawlessly), but easy to learn. Everybody should play this game at least for a few minutes to get a feel for it, the asinine hilarity is truly something you’re missing out on if you don’t give it a try.