When I started playing video games I was just a wee lad, no bigger than the boy racing next to me in the picture above (totally destroyed him, by the way). Anyways, the reason I included this picture as my headliner as opposed to say one with Microsoft’s Kinect, or Sony’s Move, is because I feel this picture captures the true power of video gaming. The power to lose yourself to an alternate reality where anything is possible. Actually, that’s a lie. I just think the image of a grown man riding on something made for a kid is just hilarious. Comedy genius, really.
But enough blather, it’s time to show you the goods. And man, do I got some goods. This isn’t just an ordinary E3 post. Oh no. For starters it’s about a week late. And for another thing, most of the article focuses on me as opposed to, say, the actual games and hardware. Also, I was almost killed. And I fell in love many times. So enjoy the show (the slide show that is. Boom!)
Here is where it all happens: Every pixilated headshot, every virtual back flip, every revolution of dance, dance, it all takes place in this oddly-shaped convention center. Also, notice the Staple Center sign to the right, is it a forewarning of events to come? Who knows? Maybe me. But not you. You know nothing.
I waited with these fine gentlemen for a good forty-five minutes for the doors to open. In a way, this was the best part of E3. In a much realer way it was the worst.
This Star Wars exhibit was the first thing to grab my attention. Above the storm troopers a trailer for an upcoming SW game played on an endless loop. Looked cool, but if you think about it, that’s exactly what the game developers want you to think. Also you could actually take your picture with the Storm Troopers if you wanted to, but I didn’t because I couldn’t imagine something that was a bigger waste of time.
Ok, so I gave in and got my picture with the storm trooper. But I felt foolish for it and pledged not to waste any more precious time on such juvenile endeavors.
Ok fine, I did it again. I’m sorry, but if I see a motorcycle and a sweet leather jacket, I’m gonna do what I gotta do. By the way, that football I’m holding is strapped with dynamite, so I can blow up zombies. Yeah, I know.
But as I was reliving my glory days, others were getting to play some of the best state-of-the-art games this planet had to offer.
Yeah, that last picture is of the newest game in the Twisted Metal series. (A series that pretty much raised me as a child.) For those of you who don’t know, or are blind, you’re a car in the game and your goal is to destroy other cars with missiles and shit. For those that do remember the game, you know Mr. Grimm, the motorcycle rider? Well now he has a chainsaw. And he when he does a pop-a-wheelie he can hold the chainsaw against the ground so it catches on fire, then he hurls it at his enemies. I get teary-eyed just thinking about it.
Naturally, there was nothing more I wanted than to play all these games to my heart’s content. There was only one problem.
The. God. Damn. Lines. Don’t get me wrong I love anticipation as much as the next guy, but sweet Jesus I’ve never seen lines move so slowly in my whole life.
Even worse than the lines were the games where the players had no time limit. I literally spent forty minutes staring at this bastard’s balding head, until I finally gave up and headed to the bathroom. Wherever this guy is right now, I hope he’s suffering a lot.
To be continued…
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- Twisted Metal: The madness returns on the PS3
- You Magnificent Bastard, I Watch Your Commercials!
- GamerRoad Podcast: FreeFormCast
- E3 Wrap-Up Part 3: The Final Chapter
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m lovin it Randy! You and I both knew that taking a picture with the Stormtrooper was a must, don’t lie.
I hope that the advert for Twisted Metal someday involves being able to ride a fake motorcyle and throw football-dynamite at the opposition.
TELL ME MORE!