Hello, my name is Brett Miller and I play Video Games (too much)

by BrettM on August 5, 2010 · 0 comments

I would like to share some of my beliefs about Video Games, which is to say that I don’t have any

Let’s start by clarifying that nothing involving videogames warrants the term “belief”.  In fact there is entirely too much conviction and otherwise overly invested interest in the videogame industry today.  It’s all bullshit.  If someone exerts any energy over videogames for any purpose but to play them, then their character is suspect.  Either this person is attempting to capitalize on the reader’s obsession, or that person is in fact the obsessed person in question.  To say videogame journalists take themselves too seriously is like saying gas is too expensive, but rest assured their motives don’t emerge from pure arrogance but rather the desire to sell advertising space.  So which am I?  I’m obsessed, but similar to a serial killer who’s conscious of his own psychopathy, I fully recognize my sickness.  So hence forth I implore the reader to read everything I write with enough salt to support a Roman Legion (see: history of term “salary”).

But once I had, and so should you, learned to accept my sickness, everything seems a lot funnier.  What is so entertaining about the magical combination which is the modern videogame industry?  Take one part internet, one part human nature, and a billiob parts money and what comes out? Absurdity.

Whether or not Jack Thompson (see: how to be disbarred for life) likes it or not videogames represent the one of the largest entertainment industries, and every single person is a potential customer.  But people are fickle creatures whose purchasing patterns remain a mystery.  And now with the tremendous power of the interwebs at their disposal, the opportunity for the self proclaimed “hardcore” to partake in the world’s largest shit-throwing contest is irresistible.  And once again I must expose my hypocrisy, because though I criticize others, my hands are not clean of this affair (see what I did there?).  As a member of the immense Drone Army which runs this country from cubicles across the nation, I supplement my thoughts of suicide-by-stapler by going on the internet and reading about videogames, getting upset, and (it gets even more ridiculous) responding!

Yes this behavior is absurd.  Can I help myself?  No.  But in my many moments of self-reflection facilitated by a mind numbingly boring job and complete lack of new things to find on the web, that isn’t porn, I have realized that being so absorbed in an industry which maintains so much power allows for endless amusement.  If you look at it right.  And now I have the good fortune to subject you to my musings about video-games, so I can avoid the headache for myself and hopefully you can find something in regards to what I assume is your favorite hobby that’s slightly humorous.

For example, what is it about Mario that allows his character to maintain so much appeal?  By the way, Super Mario Galaxy 2 is fantastic.  Anyway, he looks like Ron Jeremy in his early days.  Also, he has two first names… think about it, if Mario and Luigi are the Mario Bros, then Mario’s full name must therefore be:  Mario Mario.  And yet Mario stars in over 200 games!  Imagine if an actor, other than Chuck Norris, could boast that kind of resume.  But that’s not even the funny bit; the most comical aspect of Mario as a media icon is how grown men will clamor for yet more games.  Just look at the fantastic reception that the new Zelda game “Skyward Sword” (really, that’s the title?)  which was just announced is getting.  So many full-grown adults are delirious with their ability to pretend to be a boy who wears tights and talks to fairies.  MY exibit A in this phenomenon I cite the wonderful website fmylife.com: “Today, I woke up in an emergency room.  Why?  I hyperventilated and passed out when I found out that my favorite video game is getting a sequel. FML” F your L indeed, there is no way to know for which game this was but does it matter, considering how sad this is?  Except that I almost passed out myself when they announced a new Twisted Metal, crap.

That’s the thing though!  I too am quite excited about all these “new” (using the term loosely) games, though not to the point of hyperventilating, even though they are on the surface, kidn of dumb; Twisted Metal for instance is a game about driving around cars that can and do blow up other cars, for a contest, yep.  But that’s the endless source of amusement regarding videogames available for any addict of the most modern form of entrainment.  Any “gamer” (is that what were calling ourselves these days?) must recognize how stupid any of our beloved games really are!  So if your not comfortable enough with yourself, or possibly your sexuality (yes I’m talking to you “Bro” playing Gears of War) to admit that to yourself then please leave your hatemail to a minimum of 500 angry and misspelled words.  However if you, like me, choose to supplement your love (unhealthy obsession) of video games with self deprecating humor, then I invite you to think of your favorite videogame in context of something other than what ever preposterous “setting” was established for it and you might just laugh.  For me its Metal Gear Solid… apparently one man can take on a massive bi-pedal nuclear tank armed with one rocket launcher and an endless supply of ammunition; lest we forget that in his first foray in defeating Metal Gear in 1987, he literally did it with a can of hair-spray and a lighter… I shit-you-not.

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