It’s Saturday around 4:00pm and I’m still in my pajamas. The blinds in the front room are closed and the cartoons playing softly on the giant flat screen television serves as the only light source. Sitting with me on the couch is the ever faithful kitten, Toby as we try our very best not to do a goddamned thing. Suddenly, the front door opens and light rips through, nearly blinding me and startling the kitten. My roommate Melissa is home from errands, and before I have time to ask her how she is, Melissa looks right at me and says,
“Every time I see your face, I just want to drink and play video games.”
Needless to say, we’re field experts on the subject of drunk gaming. I’m not talking a couple beers and a round of Call of Duty with your bros. More like finishing a bottle of tequila or chugging a couple Irish Car Bombs and then picking up the controller. We’ve been through a lot of gaming debauchery and I’m here to tell the highlights for your benefit.
Fairy Tale Fights
“AHAHAHAHA I love skating around in blood! Let’s make a happy face!”
There’s nothing like dressing up as Little Red Riding Hood, taking a pair of scissors and cutting a lumberjack in half, am I right, ladies? This game is perfect for the drunk who just wants to cause as much bodily harm in the shortest amount of time possible. Fairy Tale Fights is a lot like something I’d expect Deadpool to dream up between episodes of Golden Girls. You play together with your friends as fairy tale characters and hack and slash your way through fantasy worlds. The best part? There’s a lot of blood. Everywhere.
This is one of those games that is just completely terrible when I’m sober, but downright hilarious when I’ve shared a bottle of tequila with my roommate. Because, when I’m drunk, I don’t care about repetitive gameplay or weird controls. The huge assortment of weapons and the adorable creatures I can rip to shreds never, ever gets old. I knew this game was worth its weight in gold when Melissa and I spent a better part of the night cackling like Batman villains as we skated around in the blood of our enemies.
Team Fortress 2
“Diiie spy. You don’t belong here.”
I love me some Team Fortress 2, but I had never played it drunk until a couple months ago. On a whim, I had bought a forty of cheap beer and guzzled it down like it was water in the middle of a desert. Then, I made the mistake of logging into a server I was an administrator on and using my microphone. I can’t honestly say I remember a lot of what happened, but I do know by the end of the night I was sitting in spawn loudly complaining that one of my teammates had to go to bed. Yeah, I had turned into that kind of drunk.
The good/terrible news? My friend made this video in the name of forever humiliating me. But really, getting drunk and jumping into a multiplayer game isn’t unheard of these days. Just search for ‘drunk gamer’ and you’ll find plenty of people running around in anything from World of Warcraft to Left 4 Dead drunk off their asses. Usually, it’s hilarious. But sometimes, it makes me fear for humanity as a whole.
Silent Hill: Shattered Memories
“I’m bored, my arm hurts and that test was stupid.”
We were drinking vodka. Cheap vodka. The kind that comes in a giant handle and tastes like nail polish (or at least, how I imagine nail polish tastes). We had just bought a Wii and rented a couple games to play on it. I was legitimately excited to play Shattered Memories because I love Silent Hill games, but playing it drunk was the worst thing I could do. See, when I’m drunk my maturity level drops to about age seven and so I get pretty impatient.
In my experience, Silent Hill games might take a little while to get moving along, but Shattered Memories felt like hours. It didn’t help that I spent most of my time running into the same room convinced it was different. Or possibly that I was more amused by yelling out the daughter’s name over and over than actually trying to find the little girl. You would think that the creepy atmosphere and promise of ghosts would bring nightmare fueled excitement, but it didn’t take long for me to proclaim that I could care less if his daughter turned into a Popsicle. I just wanted to go back to making funny Miis that looked like Mr. Miyagi.
New Super Mario Bros. Wii
“Dude, don’t bother with the extra coins. No seriously- oh see. You’re dead. Now you gotta drop and give me five.”
Our other roommate Jessica, Danny the Canadian, Melissa and myself had just finished playing a board game that ended in me throwing cards at everyone after losing. We had an assortment of alcohol to drink that night and it was time to bring out some New Super Mario Bros for the Wii. It’s a multiplayer platformer where you can help your teammates to victory or make their life a living hell by racing through the levels, taking all the coins and then jumping on their heads so they fall into a pit of doom.
Melissa is a freakin’ wizard at old platformers and I could not be worse at them. Still, we played the first stage of the game alright, trading controllers with Jessica and Danny since we still haven’t bought four Wiimotes. It reminded me a lot of sleepovers that I used to have as a kid. Back in the day when there was no such thing as online console gaming, you had to invite your friends over and trade off playing games until dawn. It didn’t matter how bad you were if you could laugh along with how hilarious your death was and it was more about bonding over gaming than competition.
Well, that is until I took a break while Melissa and Danny played Mario in hard mode, also known as, every time you die, you have to do five pushups. If there is one way to exhaust and possibly kill a drunk, it’s making them exercise. But, if you play it smart like I did and insist on being the referee, the game could not be funnier.
So, what have I learned from playing games drunk? It’s a lot like being a little kid again. Suddenly, the politics of whether or not a game meets normal, sober standards goes right out the window. The only thing that matters is laughing your ass off when your friend accidentally jumps into lava or working together with hair-brained strategies to beat a boss. There’s nothing like waking up in the morning on the front room couch holding a controller and finding the dozen trophies you won the night before.
And, the best part is knowing you’re going to do it all over again the next weekend.
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