Wishful thinking.
Okay, maybe I got some old-schoolers’ hearts skipping with that headline, so I should come clean before continuing. This is sadly not a real thing, but our recent post on Ms. PacMan got me wondering what a current gen reboot of PacMan would be like. Well, there’s only two ways it can go: cartoony, 3D Nintendo style, or hardcore gamer style. The first is boring because it is far likelier than the latter, so I’d much rather ponder the possibilities of a gritty PacMan reboot. Since I’m no good at Photoshop, I must rely on my word-smithing alone.
I’m thinking it’ll be a survival horror game like Dead Space, set in a post-nuclear apocalypse labyrinth where you, PacMan, were imprisoned during the war for being a mutant freak that could and too often did eat through everything––except indigestiblinium, which they used to construct the walls of the ziggurat dungeon they constructed to keep you isolated for scientific research. But when the facility succumbed to nuclear fallout, the power gave out and the whole place was plunged into darkness. The scientists became mutant floating abominations of osmotic flesh, and because of this freakishly impossible phenomenon, eventually their skin absorbed some of the properties of indigestiblinium, making them impervious to your gaping and ever-flapping maw.
This is where the game starts, the ultimate objective being to eat your way up the many tiers of the ziggurat dungeon to freedom, navigating the nearly-pitch black corridors by following and eating glowing bits of plutonium to blind the pursuing scientists (Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Clyde) and their lackeys. If you manage to eat a certain amount of plutonium, you temporarily gain the ability to eat indigestiblinium––giving you the ability to eat your way to the next level, and eat your way through boss enemies.
There will be cool new abilities, like limited free-running (i.e., running up and down walls), melee attacks to beat away enemies when you’re too full or too afflicted with heartburn to consume them, and PacVision (the hungrier he is, the more he can sense enemies).
All the character models will be given a hyper-realistic textural makeover. PacMan will still be spherical, but instead of a bright, cheery, flawlessly smooth yellow, you’ll be playing as a something more akin to a limbed ball of ochre pus with a big hole for an impressive tooth collection. His skin will flab and bob with realistic physics as he trundles terrifyingly along, and David Hayter will provide another memorable voice for a video game character, blending his characteristic growl with a ravenous, gargling drool. Not to be outdone, the enemy scientists will resemble countless zombie bosses from the Resident Evil series: multi-limbed, bug-eyed, and wearing their skin inside out. Each boss (Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Clyde) will be voice-acted and given villainous monologues that provide you with pieces of a story you’ll never really understand, and the game will end on a cliffhanger as you finally escape, only to find that the outside world isn’t actually a nuclear apocalypse, and perhaps never was. It will, however, look like someone dipped the universe in tea and let it dry in the sun.
Naturally, this game will disappoint. Reviewers will whine about the repetitive gameplay and environments, fans will bemoan the re-casting of a beloved character (never mind that he never had a personality to begin with), and regular gamers will by and large dismiss it as “not as good as Portal.” And some will begin to clamor for PacMan to be put to death, as they are doing now for Sonic.
But dammit, I want to eat my way through a wall.
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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
heartburn haha!
survival horror…very cool futuristic vision of a classic game.
I always imagined the update would be something of a detective game. Noir Style. Still gritty. Following the Ghost trail of the Pellet Pushers that murdered Miss Pac-man.
I do like your idea of the “gaping and ever-flapping maw.” That is pretty hilarious.