About a week ago, I discovered something horrible. This abomination is called the Playstation 3 Firmware v. 3.21. For those not in the know, it’s an update that doesn’t actually add any features, but instead takes away the ability to install another operating system. It’s not mandatory, of course. You can ignore it if you prefer. And if you like the idea of permanently turning your PS3 into a first generation PS2 as a result. Think of it as a mere suggestion, with certain unsavory consequences for not following the advice – namely, Sony holding your online avatars hostage and condemning you to a Blu-ray free movie experience for the rest of your terrestrial life.
Now, luckily for me, I don’t have another OS installed, nor do I plan on it. So conformity wasn’t terribly painful for me – or at least, it wouldn’t have been if I had ever been able to download the “update.” Instead, the little blighter croaked at exactly 61% every single time. Vexed, I asked the Internet if it knew anything about this. The Internet wasn’t particularly helpful, though; all it had to say was that v. 3.21 was evil and that the error code I was getting was a generic “I can’t download this shit for some reason” message. But, it kindly suggested that perhaps if I put it on a USB drive, it might work.
Once again, it died at 61%. Every. Fucking. Time.
I worked tech support for a year, and I could see where this was going. This was either the kind of problem that could be solved by rebooting (which, by the way, NO), or it was the kind that was solved by reformatting or reinstalling the OS. Unless the update was a stupid ass update and wasn’t fully compatible with a collector’s limited edition Metal Gear Solid 4 gun metal gray PS3. I had to find out before going through the trouble of giving my PS3 a lobotomy (or an enema, depending on your opinion of the console). So I went to Sony’s customer service page, which is quite typically patronizing. If they made customer service pages for things like refrigerators the way they do for computers, the page would be full of helpful tidbits such as, “Be sure the refrigeration unit is firmly plugged into the wall” and “Check your temperature dial to make sure it is set to the correct temperature.” Anyway, I found my error code and I sent them a service ticket by filling out a form and emailing it to them. I was then informed by Sony’s botnet that I would receive a solution in 48 hours.
Three days later, I get the following email:
Huh. I was not aware I had received any service, or that my name no longer existed. Well. Sony’s botnet certainly had a disgustingly big pair of semen-filled, hairy ovoids swinging between its ones and zeroes to think it could hoodwink me that easily. I decided to go fill out their survey and find every way I could to tell them What For. Except the survey assumed they had serviced me, so I couldn’t.
I unholstered my telephone.
As I’m sure you’re all aware, trying to talk to a computer never gets you anywhere. And this particular computer was trying to subtly suggest that humans didn’t actually work in Sony’s customer service department by not mentioning an option to speak to a “representative.” But I’d been in the trenches with its kind before, and I knew that dialing zero would do the trick. A few rings later and I was in business. The following is an exact transcript of the conversation that ensued:
HOMEBOY: Hello, thank you for calling Sony Consumer Services. Let me read some shit to you off a script, and then I’ll ask you for your name, your phone number, and your email address, which you’ll need to repeat to me several times because I hate my job so much I forgot what sounds correspond to what letters of the alphabet. And once we’ve wasted three minutes on that, I’ll need you to tell me which console is being uppity.
ME: I hate you already.
HOMEBOY: Fantastic. Now sir, what problem are you experiencing?
ME: Your new update is making me eat bullshit with a spork.
HOMEBOY: Ok, I can definitely help you with that today. Now I need you to wrestle with your anvil of a PS3 to find the model number.
ME: Found it. Now what?
HOMEBOY: Well, now I’m going to send you a generic form email specifying certain typical solutions to your problem, with a link to the service page that will tell you all the same things the email told you, meaning you’ll have read the same shit three times already. If those completely unhelpful tips for morons don’t work out for you, then your PS3 is definitely in a dreadful state of affairs, and you’ll have to send it in for service. If your PS3 is still under warranty – which, conveniently, yours isn’t – the whole shebang will be free. But since you’re having a bad day, it’ll cost you…let me see, let me do some bullshit math here…oh, roughly $150 dollars. But we’ll send you the box and stuff.
ME: Wait, back that up. $150 to find out why my PS3 works totally fine except for being unable to download your crummy piece of data?
HOMEBOY: Thank you for calling sir. Is there anything else I can help you with today?
ME: …
HOMEBOY: Ok then. You have a wonderful day, sir.
ME: DIE IN A FIRE.
Ok. That certainly cleared up a few things. It meant that I was going to hack repair my PS3 myself, because fuck that. It’s pretty bad when Google can help your customer with your product better than you can.
A few tips for Sony, from a former Customer Service Representative. While it is unsafe to assume the caller has gone through the simple troubleshooting steps, can it hurt to ask, “Have you tried the recommended procedures from our website?” instead of just referring them to it and calling it a day. And just a little bit of actually attempting to help would be nice, instead of telling me I’d have to ship the damn brick across the country for what is probably a nothing problem. I mean, I’d understand if my PS3 was leaking black goo, or playing Cowboy Beebop hentai instead of whatever was on the disc I’d put in it. Those are problems that I wouldn’t mind resolving for $150.
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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Having recently dealt with some terrible customer service from a certain software vendor, I feel your pain. How hard is it to train these people so that they know what they’re talking about rather than simply reading off a script of unhelpful suggestions?
It would help to hire people with analytical minds and good communication skills. While a lot of users really do need the “have you tried turning it on?” schtick, enough don’t that you really need at least a few competent employees you can escalate to if the problem is legit, as this one clearly was.